10 Common Mistakes Caregivers Make

By Amy Cameron O’Rourke

The aging process can be difficult to process for both the aging parents and the adult children. Issues with acceptance and resistance, are just a few frustrations that can result from not understanding what I call The Fragile Years. To best prevent mistakes when caring for aging loved ones, the earlier the lessons are learned, the better; as aging is a shared experience for everyone.

With that, here are 10 common mistakes to avoid when caring for loved ones in their Fragile Years.

1. Buying into the idea of “Role Reversal” and treating your parent like a child.

This behavior of “role reversal” is caused by a lack of knowing what the new role is–it’s not parental, but supportive. For example, a partner as opposed to a boss. How do you learn how to parent your late teenager? You learn a new way of parenting. The same theory applies here.

2. Unsupported Anxiety.

Watching a loved one’s decline is painful and scary and frequently accompanied by anxiety. And if that anxiety goes unsupported, it can turn into anger, or controlling of others’ behaviors that can create barriers to meaningful conversations. Make sure anxieties are eased in healthy ways.

3. Needing to be right.

When values collide or loved ones make “bad decisions”, sometimes family members hold a grudge with those loved ones or continually trying to “get them” to do the “right” thing. The reality is, we all have the right to autonomy and not everyone will agree with the decisions we make.

4. Not being educated enough on Medicare and other insurances.

Yesterday, I gave bad news to a daughter that the reason her mother was put into a poorly ranked facility is because it was the only one that took her Medicare Advantage plan. Proactively research how nursing home care rehabilitation, home care therapy, and home care aides are paid for.

5. Not realizing that solutions are bigger than the older adult can handle.

When parents are beginning to need help, families want a quick solution that will solve it once and for all. Wanting to move mom into a facility; hiring 8 hours of care per day, and taking the car keys away are all examples of too much too soon. Hire someone to evaluate your mom’s driving, hire a housekeeper who can also make a meal. Small, incremental steps are generally met with less resistance. Remember, they are making a big change and processing information slower than you are!

6. Not understanding that this is a lifestyle change for them and for their loved one.

It’s not a one and done decision. Taking care of a parent takes time. Some interests and activities have to be given up or streamlined in order to create the time to devote to caring for your parent. It can take 3-5 years.

7. Not understanding the aging phases.

Earlier than later, learn the stages that an older person goes through in their Fragile Years; and align the support within those stages.

8. Not understanding the phases of memory loss.

Understanding what having capacity means and learning the stages of memory loss is vital when caring for an aging parent. Memory loss comes with growing older. Our minds process information slower. Understanding memory loss and capacity will help you know when to ask for professional help or step in to take control.

9. Not understanding the phases of grief.

Becoming familiar with the stages of grief that accompanies loss will help a multitude of people, including: an aging parent who lost a partner; adult children who might lose an aging parent soon.

10. Not considering a certified care manager.

So much stress can be relieved with even a little help from a certified care manager. My recommendation: Hire a Certified Care Manager or professional to create a roadmap that can teach the family the available local resources and costs associated with them.

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