The Advantages of Being Disagreeable

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I am presently reading Malcolm Gladwell’s thought-provoking new book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants. There are a number of interesting points in this book, but one section in particular struck me as true.

As a young girl growing up in this culture, I was taught to be agreeable. Even though this went against my natural tendencies, I tried my best. Mr. Gladwell’s book is the first I have ever read that pointed out the advantages to being open, conscientious AND disagreeable.

Especially as a child I was told often to “Play nice.” And even as an adult I find most women expect other women to be pleasant and agreeable, if not turn every situation into what I call a “helping frenzy.” You know, those situations where women try to outdo each other at being kind and helpful.

Mr. Gladwell’s point is that innovators “are people willing to take social risks – to do things that others might disapprove of.” In other words, we are willing to challenge societal conventions.

After reading this section, I stopped and made a list of the various ways I have challenged societal norms, and the advantages these rebellions have provided for me. I suddenly realized that all of the important changes I’ve made have come from being disagreeable.

In relationships I have never settled for traditional conventions or “good enough.” By doing so I finally met my true match at age 49, a man whose intelligence and special brand of rebelliousness matches my own perfectly. 

In jobs, the saying “We’ve always done it this way” has never worked for me.  In fact, I found at 49 I could no longer work for anyone else. I work best alone and at my own pace.

When I changed careers at age 50, the conventional path of freelance writer did not work for me. I wanted to write about what interested me, and since my interests have always been three steps ahead of the latest trends, writing for magazines didn’t work.

I saw a revolution emerging, one where midlife transformation would change our world, just as it continues to do. I also found far too many editors simply were not better than I at thinking or writing. They pandered to their primary advertisers too much for me.

The publishing field has been my greatest outlet for rebellion so far.  I met through my writing groups and Northern Colorado Writers expected me to take the traditional route to publishing. Few appreciated the colossal changes happening in the field of writing.

I found blogs to be an exciting new form of writing freedom and started my own when they were just getting popular. Then when I started thinking about publishing a book, everyone said I should take the traditional route of attracting an agent, and then have him or her find me a publisher.

I could see no reason to pay an agent, and through a publisher then pay a cover designer, an editor, and marketers, being reimbursed minimally as the creator of the content of my own book. This did not look like the future of publishing to me back in 2008.

As it turns out, I was my usual disagreeable self, but correct once again!

Laura Lee Carter, MA Counseling Psychology, the writer behind the popular online magazine Midlife Crisis Queen, has been helping others turn midlife difficulties into opportunities for personal change since 2007. Besides working as a psychotherapist, Laura Lee has authored a number of books and e-books on midlife transformation.  Don’t miss her new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife. Follow her on Twitter: @midlifequeen