Five Sex-Positive Results of Celibacy

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Let’s define celibacy versus abstinence. The terms are often used interchangeably, yet for the purposes of this article, they are two different concepts. According to the website Wait Until Marriage, abstinence is defined as the absence of sexual intercourse, whereas celibacy is the avoidance of all forms of sexual activity. People who abstain from sex often date, kiss and have oral sex. Abstinence is a method of managing potential STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Many people of faith also want to wait until marriage to engage in full sexual relations. Celibacy is a way of being that avoids all sexual situations. This can often demand the avoidance of dating altogether, as it did for me.

Have you ever felt compulsive about sex? Have thoughts of sex ever completely taken over your mind? Even though it sounds counter-intuitive to solve an issue regarding sex by avoiding it, a period of celibacy may be the answer to finding your own sex-positive point of view. How do I know? I voluntarily practiced celibacy for about 3 years, November of 2004 until October of 2007.

The “sex-positive” point-of-view is that all sexual activities are OK as long as there is mutual consent and safe sex is practiced. Sex-positivity encourages experimentation and pleasure. The concept compels an individual to be confident, self-aware and comfortable with their version of sexuality. According to Eric Barry, blogger for Huffington Post and host of the podcast FullDisclosure, “Being sex-positive doesn’t just inform our own personal relationships. It’s an attitude that sexuality, in its many forms, is an innate part of who we are as humans. “

I have a feeling that most people don’t consider celibacy a positive conscious choice when it truly can be. Most of us feel the media and societal pressure to have sex; great sex and lots of it! This view is simplistic, at best. After two or three months with no sex, I realized I was avoiding dating and sex. The conscious decision to be celibate was easy. My intuition told me the decision was somehow important to my happiness. As I shut down my online-dating profiles, a sense of peace came over me. It was time to pay attention to me.

Let me share five benefits I experienced as a result of my period of celibacy:

*Self-Awareness.The capacity for introspection is a key ingredient in happiness and contentment. Ask any personal development guru, life coach or Buddhist monk. Have you heard a version of a saying: “Happiness is as close as your own backyard?” It’s even closer — inside of you! External love and affection feel very nice. Many of us chase that feeling. When an individual is constantly focused on external experiences, no true internal growth and learning is possible.

Has anyone ever told you that you make them unhappy? I have been told that numerous times and that is a ridiculous concept. You are not responsible for someone’s happiness, only your own. When you remove yourself from the excitement and complexity of dating, you give yourself room to feel and think. You give yourself the gift of space and self-love.

*Objective Observation. How judgmental are you of your friends, acquaintances and their circumstances? Do you find yourself making comparisons? We have all participated in conversations in which everyone is telling their stories, especially about dating and boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. When people are focused on telling their story, they typically don’t truly listen to other stories. Not listening means not gathering new information. This leads to a lack of understanding and growth.

As an objective observer, you can sit back and truly listen to the frustrations and perceived triumphs of your peers. Since you don’t have anything to prove or compare, you are in a position to evaluate the merit of people’s positions…and you learn!  As an observer, I found myself thinking of the oft-used definition of insanity about repeating behavior yet expecting different results.

*Internal Review. A period of celibacy is a great opportunity to review your experiences. It is much easier to evaluate what you like about sex, affection and communicating when you are not in the middle of navigating a relationship. When you are making compromises to keep an affectionate situation going, how can you be truly honest with yourself?

Brutal honesty will support your growth and allow you to make decisions tailored to your needs and desires. Brutal honesty gives you confidence and the ability to stand with your ideas, tendencies and expectations. Be who you are, not the image other people project on to you.

*Research.A celibate period is a great time to explore your curiosities. Are there sexual activities you want to know more about? Are there sex toys you’d like to try? You are in perfect position to do research without the thought of a particular individual haunting your investigations and fantasies. As part of being objective and honest, seek out information and ideas. Start by reading. For instance, there is a wealth of information online from psychological studies to Shibari, an ancient Japanese artistic rope bondage, to videos, reviews and instructional guides. Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. Keep an open mind.

*Personal List of Requirements for an Ideal Mate. I was told that to attract the “right” person, I must know what kind of person is right for me. I made a list of what attributes I seek in an ideal mate. It is a good exercise, yet dangerous. If you have current negative dating experiences, what will go on your list? A bunch of items related to that current experience.

Allow your list to come from a place of peace and objectivity. Allow your list to be born of who you are, not who you think you should be. The first versions of my list were long and detailed – which narrowed my “ideal” mate category significantly. My list now is very short. I am open to considerable variation and happier for it.

In conclusion, the state of celibacy offers the space and time to nurture your true self. You can grow into a more sex-positive, happy person by being objective and honest about your own desires. Love yourself first; only then will you have love to give away. What I’ve lost in youthfulness, I have more than gained in insight and confidence.

Lucretia Torva, born in Peoria, IL, spent her early childhood abroad – living in both Glasgow, Scotland and Grenoble, France, before returning to Peoria around her tenth birthday. Torva earned both her Bachelor and Master of Fine Art degrees in painting from the University of Illinois. While pursuing her passion of art, Torva held many jobs before becoming a highly-rated instructor of art, teaching both studio and lecture classes on numerous art-related topics. Torva, a single mother of two, currently resides in Phoenix, AZ and is a celebrated artist and owner of Torva Fine Art (Torvafineart.com).  SEX! The Punctuation Mark of Life is her debut book offering.

For more information, please visit www.sexthepunctuationmark.com.

SEX! The Punctuation Mark of Lifeis available for purchase in e-book or paperback on Amazon and the author’s website, and in e-book format on Apple iTunes and Kobo.