Do You See Others as They Are or As You Want Them to Be?

By Nancy Anderson

Mental clarity is the ability to make distinctions between the false and the true, what appears to be real and what is illusory. Mental confusion, on the other hand, is often based on dishonesty: either you are not telling yourself the truth, or someone is not telling you the truth. And if you are not aware of or you deny your feelings, you are even more likely to be easily fooled. As an example, your longing for approval causes you to overlook the flaws in a person from whom you seek validation.

Overweight is another example of the confusion caused when the mind and feelings are at odds. As you may know, until you identify the emotional need that compels you to eat more than you need, such as fulfilling work or relationships, you may lose weight but you will gain it back. If you listen only to the body, blocking thought patterns that confuse the body, you will know when you are truly hungry. Once the mind has food in its proper place, a source of physical nourishment, you will lose weight. Then you can figure out a way to satisfy the emotional need.

Objectivity

Objectivity takes courage, since what you see when you look within can be disturbing: your darker motives, such as laziness, greed and jealousy. If you can keep your sense of humor, accepting all of your human nature will not only improve your relationship with yourself, it will also end the disappointment you feel when others do not live up to naïve or unrealistic expectations. Since disappointment is the difference between what you expect to happen and what actually takes place, accepting human frailty will save a great deal of wear and tear on your heart.

Tolerance for imperfection does not mean that you lack standards or that you cut others more slack than yourself, far from it. You know how hard it is to be honest with yourself and others; you also know the relief you feel when the truth is brought into the light of understanding.

Know What You Feel as Well as What You Think

The educational system in most countries trains the mind, not the feelings, emphasis that leaves students in a quandary when they graduate and discover they lack emotional intelligence – the ability to understand what is really going on with themselves and others. Often it is only the arts majors who are taught the value of emotions, and since “everyone” knows you can’t make a living at art, feeling plays second fiddle to thinking. When I ask clients what the feelings are for, few can answer that question, except one man who said, “to get over them.” As my clients learn to trust the feelings, they find the treasure they were seeking: the lost self symbolized in fairy tales as a sleeping princess.

Keep in mind that feeling is not the same as when you are feeling out of control. That chaotic state of mind is usually the result of denying the feelings, as when a critic stirs up your deepest fears. For example, if you are not sure of yourself in some area you attract someone into your life that challenges your way of doing things.

On the surface, you think you are confident, but your adversary picks up on your hidden doubt and says or does something that triggers your fear. While this can be frightening (we all like people who agree with us!), the event forces you to stand up for what you believe, or to admit that what you are doing is not working and correct it. As a result of becoming conscious of your doubt, you gain genuine confidence. This is how feelings interact with thinking to transform you into a secure individual, the happy ending to every story.

A Balanced Mind

The principle of rationality produced the Enlightenment, which challenged superstition and emotional excess. Rationality brought about the scientific and industrial revolutions, as well as tremendous advances in technology and efficiency. However, the focus on rational abilities often came at the expense of imagination, feeling, intuition and creativity.

Yet too much emphasis on the right side of the brain leads to errors in thinking, such as the reductionism you see with members of cults and fanatical religious groups. The fanatic in any age is attached to an unattainable goal, a utopian ideal that rejects life as it is. In contrast, a mind that is open and inclusive wants what will work in the real world.

By definition, mental balance means that both sides of your brain work together to deal with life’s challenges. When you close your mind to what you don’t want to hear, or you shut down your feelings you become rigid; you may even lose touch with reality.

Mutual Respect

To build a respectful relationship between the right and left sides of your brain, ask yourself which side needs development. If your mind could use a good workout, take a class in critical thinking, online or at the local community college. If feeling is the side of your brain that needs exercise, sign up for an acting class, particularly improvisation, since you will learn to feel on the spot. Yes, you will be uncomfortable, but if you resist the temptation to avoid what is difficult, you will also feel fully alive.

Nancy Anderson is a career and life consultant based in the San Francisco Bay Area and the author of the best selling career guide, Work with Passion, How to Do What You Love For a Living, and Work with Passion in Midlife and Beyond, Reach Your Full Potential and Make the Money You Need. Her website is workwithpassion.com.