Deep Cleaning

By

We spring ahead and the days are once again longer.  I smile as I pull open the blinds on my kitchen window and look out to the backyard and see my flower pots. Right now they are peeking out from under the melting snow, but it will not be long until they are filled with every shade of yellow, pink, orange, purple and red that I can find.

Some call this the time of year for spring cleaning, but months ago I began the chore of deep cleaning that is for me an everyday project.

Luckily, my husband and I do not have material clutter. We learned the lesson years ago while sorting through the homes of departed loved ones not to get attached to stuff.  Material stuff, at least. My deep cleaning project involved tossing the emotional clutter I have been lugging around for way too long.

Despite my happy smile and loud enthusiastic personality, in truth I was a broken-winged bird inside.  I watched people eating in restaurants, going on airplanes, calling friends and getting together. But even something as simple as getting on a bus alone caused me grief.  I wished I could do that too.     Thankfully I read inspiration every morning and one day came across a line that said once our dreams are gone and we have no new goals, we become old.  I knew it was time to get rid of the old beliefs, but figuring out how to start was one of the scariest things I ever did.

I began saying yes!  Yes, I will volunteer at church; yes, we can definitely take over making the Thanksgiving dinners for the homebound.  Yes, I went back to church.  Attending mass every Sunday and praying and listening to the priest speak was my first road to healing.  I was scared to death at Thanksgiving when I knew my husband and I were responsible for orchestrating a task that was done so well for years by a parish family. I felt so inexperienced and asked myself many nights what were we doing???? But it went so well.   We felt wonderful having done something nice for others.  I felt a glimmer of confidence, and that got me wanting to deep clean even more.

Yoga has been a wonderful help to deep clean the emotional clutter. I look forward to my weekly Thursday-night class, where I breathe and realize we are all good and perfect just as we are.

We get set on how things "should" be in life.  Sometimes we get trapped in the fear of not being perfect and worry what others will think of us if we fail.  Through the process of major deep cleaning I now see no matter how hard I try, people will define me in all sorts of ways.  I now believe the only definition of me that matters is MY definition.

Today I feel ready to begin rolling up my sleeves to join the world of Spring cleaning.  I am looking forward to rearranging bedroom furniture and getting the lighter linens out of the cedar chest.  I laughed with my husband the other day and said I think it is time we add some clutter around here.  That bookshelf is looking very boring.  We sit together looking at magazines and catalogs and jot down ideas for brighter throw pillows and matching accentuating pieces to brighten up the safe tan walls we are living in.  Our homes are a reflection of who we are and while it is fine we are conservative it is time to break the barrier, to show the world how colorful and fun we really are.

There are many colors inside the Crayola box and I am looking forward to testing out all the shades.  I already know many bus schedules and have even traveled on a few, I have been eating in countless restaurants with all sorts of foods, I have reconnected with dear old friends I would not have back in my life had I declined a school reunion months ago.   I made airline reservations to go see my family and I am traveling alone for the first time ever!!

I will be nervous boarding the flight but I know that I will be fine, just as I was at Thinksgiving. I still have work to do but I can see the wings are getting stronger every day.  The hardest part of deep cleaning is making the decision and taking the first step.

I’ve learned that when I  live in the past or worry about what people are saying about me in the present I am cluttering my soul.  In order to say hello to the future, I must rid myself of the stinking thinking.

I said to someone the other day I do not know what happened to me, but I feel like I am finally starting to live.

The girl that got in her own way for too many years now enjoys walking in the sunshine and smiling at her fearless shadow as she looks for more ways to deep clean her world.  Something tells me this year the shades of yellow, orange, purple, pink and red she will be choosing to fill the flower pots will be more beautiful than ever. Finally, she is deep cleaning and showing her colors to the world.

Donna Vesel Ryan, a frequent blogger for ThirdAge, is the founder and editor of the blog www.50plusstickingtogether.com. Click here to read more of her work.