Almost Swearing

By Sally Franz

As a grandparent, I have started to research “almost swear words” for use around the grandkids. My mother and her mother were masters at this. So for quick reference I have grouped my new pseudonaughty words and phrases into categories.

Fiddlesticks, Dadgummit, Mercy-me, and Dagnabit flowed graciously from my Grandmother’s sweet lips. If she were in a frenzied state, I would hear the occasional: Goodness-sakes, or That-hurts-like-sixty. Other words worth bringing back because they roll so nicely off the tongue include: Balderdash, Jumpin’ Jehosephat, and Jiminy Christmas.

And Boy-oh-boy do I love the early Superman TV shows with “Great Cesar’s Ghost”. Remember the TV/cartoon slang cuss words? Take Sylvester’s: Sufferin-succotash. I recall: Bric-a-brackin-razafraza, Dad-blame-it, Dad-burn-it, Gadzooks, Shazam, Gee-whilikers, E-gads, Golly and Yosemite Sam’s: Rackin-frackin-varmint and Rockey’s: Hokey-smokes-Bullwinkle. And of course W.C. Fields with: Sweet-Mother-of-Pearl. From baseball ,both Harry Caray and Phil Rizzuto gave us: Holy-cow! And who can forget Little Orphan Anne’s Leapin’-lizards? And many thanks to Flo at Alice’s restaurant for, “Kiss-my-grits”.

From my mother’s era I heard Jeepers-creepers (where’d ya get those peepers), hot-diggity (dog diggity, ‘boom’ what you do to me). Then her favorites: By-jingo, Dog-gone-it, Jeez- Louise, Malarkey, Darnit, Baloney, My-stars, Heck, Gosh, Golly-gee-whiz, Son-of-a-gun, Great- Scott, Judas-Priest, What-in-the-Sam-Hill (FYI: Hill built roads throughout Washington state), Gull-darnit, Sugar, Shoot, What-in-the-blue-blazes, Phooey, and on a really crazy day with five screaming kids and a flat tire I might hear: Blast-it-all-to-kingdom-come.

And let’s not forget the wannabe curses that started with “Oh”. Oh-for-crying-out-loud, Oh-for- the-love-of-God, Oh-for-Pete’s-sake, Oh-for-pity’s-sake, Oh-good-grief, Oh-boy, Oh-man, Oh-dear and Oh-no. And I love the pejorative speech that starts with “Holy”. Holy-guacamole, Holy-frijoles, Holy-macaroni, and last but not least Holy-Smokes-Batman. Speaking of Batman—here’s a little nostalgia tidbit, a few Holy exclamations from Robin. They include: Holy Alphabet, Holy Barracuda, Holy Chilblains, Holy Detonator, Holy Flypaper, Holy Hairdo, Holy Iceberg, Holy Kilowatts. There were, in fact, close to 300 “Holy” declarations made by Robin. For more go to http://www.holysmokesbatman.com./.

“Damn” had its public debut when Rhett Butler told Scarlet he couldn’t give one. But later dear sweet Radar O’Reilly of M.A.S.H. struggled with profanity blurting out, “Go to H-E- double toothpicks.” Aka double hockey sticks. And another way to tell someone to drop dead: Take-a-dirt-nap. And on the religious side: Lord-love-a-duck, Lord-have-mercy, and Lordie-lordie and Bless-her-heart (used after vicious gossip), The Scottish version is God-bless-her-little-white-cotton-socks.

Then there was the sixties with sayings such as: Good gravy, Hang-it-all, Hang-it-on-your-beak, stick-it-in-your-ear, Stick-it-where-the-sun-don’t-shine, Yikes-stripes (Beechnut’s got ‘em), Don’t-bring-me-down, bummer, and from Spanish class: Caramba.

And to round out our choices for words that can be seen in print and heard on the air I present to you words and phrases acceptable to all listening audiences, G-rated words that help you blow off steam and stay out of trouble. Blimey, Crikey, Snot buckets, Son-of-a-bucket, Shut-up, Shut-the-front-door, Son-of-a-motherless-goat, Duck-water, Dillweed, What-the-what, Barnicles, Tartar Sauce, Oh-snap, Feck, Peas and Rice, Fark, Two-tears-in-a-bucket, Jeez-o-Pete, Fargin-icehole, Sweet-fancy-Moses, Flipping, Freaking, Drat, and Fudge. How about name calling? There is always: The-lights-are-on-but-nobody’s-home, Half-a-bubble-off-plum, A-few-lights–missing-on-the-marquee, A-few-crayons-short-a-box, A-few-straws-short-a-bale, Nimcompoop, Dipwad, Spitwad, and Phoney-baloney. And to bring her home…Banana-shenanigans, Shuckey darn and slop the chickens, …and the horse you rode in on.

I suggest on a very bad day that you reread this modest tome, perhaps even reciting it aloud. According to Dr. Neel Burton, a psychiatrist from Oxford, swearing is good for you. It elevates endorphin levels, increases circulation and gives one the sense of calm and being back in control. So here you have faux expletive deleteds that, if said with enough drama, can reach the same handsome effect of being a steam value. What the hey, it’s worth a rackinfratzin try.

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of “Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey,” and “The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Menopause.”