3 Secrets That Will Restore Your Relationship, Even If It’s on the Rocks

By Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW

Like everyone else on the face of the planet I’ve wanted real, lasting love. And like everyone on the face I haven’t found these simple words—Real, Lasting, Love—easy to attain. Like many, I got married in my twenties. Being young and in love, we were sure our relationship would last a life-time. It lasted ten years and produced two wonderful children. I fell in love again, but that relationship was short lived. Before giving it another try I vowed that I would figure out the secrets of having a relationship that lasted a lifetime.

Well, I learned a lot, fell in love again. I’m not sure this relationship will last a lifetime, but I’m hopeful. We’ve been joyfully married now for thirty-five years. We’ve had our ups and downs like all couples, but we’ve learned the skills to keep the love flowing and remove the blocks when they have occurred. We’ve learned the three secrets for achieving Real, Lasting, Love.

Some people have learned to settle for a love that is lasting, but not real. They stay together because they are afraid to leave, but all the life has drained out of the relationship. Others go from one relationship to the next, feeling the passion of new love, but longing for a relationship that will last through time. I want you to know that you can have it all. You can learn the secrets for having real, lasting, love.

To introduce these secrets, I want to give you some wisdom from one of my favorite character actors Jack Palance. In the original movie City Slickers with Billy Crystal, Palance played the part of an old cowboy named Curly who almost never spoke (he definitely had that “traditional male thing” going). But under that hard, impenetrable, exterior Crystal found the wisdom of a lifetime.

In an unlikely heart-to-heart talk Curly shared with Billy the Secret of Life. He told the excited Billy that “the secret of life is one thing.” When pressed for the wisdom Curly refused to divulge what that “one thing” was. He said Billy would have to find it himself. Palance puts Billy and his buddies through cowboy experiences that helped teach them about life–A sort of Curly-guided rites of passage. Palance won the 1992 academy award for best supporting actor.

In accepting the award his first words were, “Billy Crystal, hell, I crap bigger than him.” The audience howled with laughter. The 73 year-old actor then described the ways producers questioned whether he could do the demanding role. “Maybe we should get a younger actor and make him look older,” the producers wondered. In answer to the implied question about the older actors ability to handle the physical demands, Palance then walked around the podium and proceeded to do one-armed pushups much to the delight of everyone, young and old.

Palance didn’t tell us The Secret of Life, but watching him we all felt energized to live fully. We all would like to know the secret of real, lasting love. And like Billy, we all have to find in for ourselves. But here are some things I’ve learned along the way that can be helpful.

The Three “One Things”

It would be nice if life were simple enough that knowing “one thing” would insure our life-long happiness. I’ve always said that “learning about real lasting love is the graduate curriculum of life. So, it isn’t surprising that there are three secrets, not just one.

• Secret #1: The one thing at the foundation of a joyful, long-lasting, relationship is trust.
• Secret #2: The one thing that can poison “one thing #1” is betrayal.
• Secret #3: The one antidote for the poison of betrayal is to heal the emotional wounds from childhood.

Like love, trust seems to be a shadowy, yet important factor in having a good relationship, but trust can be described clearly and measured accurately. Sue Johnson, in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, describes trust as a positive response to the question, “are you there for me? The first three letters can be operationalized as follows:

A= Accessibility.  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I get my partner’s attention easily?
2. Is my partner easy to connect with emotionally?
3. Does my partner show me that I come first with him/her?
4. If I’m lonely does my partner soothe and comfort me?
5. Will my partner listen to me and hear my deepest feelings and concerns?

R= Responsiveness:

1. If I need connection and comfort will my partner be there for me?
2. Does my partner respond to signals that I need him/her to come close?
3. Can I lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure?
4. When we disagree or fight, does my partner let me know I am important and we will find a way to come together?
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, can I get it?

E = Engagement:

1. Do I feel very comfortable being close to, and trusting, my partner?
2. Can I confide in my partner about almost anything?
3. Do I feel connected to my partner, even when we are apart?
4. Does my partner care about my joys, hurts, and fears?
5. Do I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner?

Dr. Johnson says that a score of 7 or above means you are well on your way to having the trust you need to heal old wounds and to have real, lasting, love. One of the things I’ve had to overcome was my feeling that these needs aren’t manly or that I was acting like a child to want them from my wife. I know now that these are adult needs that we all have and getting these needs met is the key to having the relationship we want.

Betrayal is like acid that eats away at the trust. Betrayal isn’t just about sexual affairs. Emotional affairs are also betrayals. Betrayal involves anything that undermines our trust, such as judgments and criticism. When we don’t keep agreements, these are small betrayals. Lying, even when we tell ourselves it’s to protect our partner is a betrayal. Emotional withdrawal or coldness is a betrayal.

I’ve learned that we fall into betrayal when we are triggered by hurts and fears from the past. These feelings are often subconscious and we may not even be aware they are happening. For instance, I came home last night and Carlin had not left the porch light on for me. My mood immediately changed from feeling loving and warm to feeling a slightly hostile. Before I became irritable, I realized this was a trigger from my past when I was frightened of the dark when my mother had come home late from work.

We all have experienced small and large betrayals in our families of origin. I’ve found that one of the hidden reasons we come together with partner we do, is for us to be able to heal old wounds. It’s as though our subconscious mind says, “I’ll find a partner who will trigger the same emotional wounds you experienced as a child, but this time you’ll be able to learn the skills to develop the trust to heal the betrayals. This way you’ll be able to heal your past and have a joyful relationship in the present.” One of the powerful tools for accessing the subconscious, which I described in my last book, Stress Relief for Men, involved the use of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT).

This is a very large order that our subconscious mind wants us to address in life. But when we want real lasting love, we have to do some serious work to get it. It’s a simple, yet powerful tool for healing. I can tell you that working for love is the best kind of work we can do. Let me know what you think and feel.

Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW, is the Founder and Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live well throughout their lives. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Diamond’s new book, Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well, brings together the wisdom accumulated in 40 years helping more than 20,000 men, women, and children.