House Cleaning

By Sally Franz

I want a self-cleaning house. Maybe it could work like those old hand drying machines that had a roll of cloth that you pulled down and the dirty stuff would re-wind on a second roller. Just hit a button and a new carpet, floor, wall, or countertop would all just automatically cycle through. It’s time for technology to help the oldest profession in the world…house cleaning. Because as cute as it is, the Roomba isn’t cutting it. Although it does freak out the cat which is hours of endless amusement.

As far as dust goes, certainly if a tornado can wipe away half a house and leave everything intact in the other half someone can invent a suction system strong enough to suck only the dirt out. I imagine a world where I just flick a switch, go to the mall and come back to a clean house. Granted in God’s perfect plan having teenagers was supposed to garner a clean house, but alas in a fallen world the proposed solution is more a part of the problem.

How hard can this be science geeks? Give me some Teflon-like coating that does not allow grease or grime to gather on sinks, toilets or bathtubs. I want a world where light bulbs can sanitize the bacteria in a room and knock the smell out of sneakers. Clothes should be not only wrinkle-free but self-folding.

And don’t get me started on self-cleaning ovens, aka how to start a house fire. Every self-cleaning oven I have ever had when locked just kept on firing up hotter and hotter. On the bright side I now know which electrical breaker is for the oven.

Dishwashers that do as they promised would be a nice touch. Just put that cooking dish as is in the dishwasher. Because, what? It is also a garbage disposal, Ace? The dishwasher promises to clean off burnt-on residue. Ha! For every man who wonders why women clean dishes before they go into the dishwasher let me s‘plain this to you Ricky. Dishwashers do not get the burnt bits off surfaces. What that hot water does is make concrete patches on the glass lasagna pans that will outlive cockroaches. And do not even try to give me that lazy-butt excuse of, “Well, if it doesn’t come out clean just run it through again.” That is like saying if the oil in the car is dirty just keep running it through until it is clean.

I want a self-cleaning refrigerator, a self-cleaning stovetop, and while we are at it self-cleaning grandkids would come in handy. I want throw pillowS that re-inflate to puffy without mY having to karate chop them. I want all junk mail to disintegrate into oblivion within three days of entering the house.

And animal hair? I once had a Labradoodle because they don’t shed. Why? Because they have fur, not hair, whatever that means. All I know is that the fur (which looked suspiciously like hair) ended up in clumps all the way up the staircase and in every corner in the house. Now if God can create animal hair that gathers like wind to the four corners of earth, why can’t science make animal fur that gathers into a waste basket without my having to bend over.

Until technology catches up with my needs, I will just have to do what I have always done when my house needed a good Spring Cleaning.

Move.

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of “Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey,” and “The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Menopause.”