Are You Helping Others or Your Own Ego?

By Laura Lee Carter

 “Our prime purpose of this life is to help others. And if you cannot help them, at least don’t hurt them.”  – Dalai Lama

I had a fascinating experience yesterday I would like to share with you. I attended a program here that was billed as a talk on “loss” in our small local newspaper. As it turned out, it was instead an opportunity for a local man who has been dealing with a life-threatening illness for the past four years, to speak about what he has learned from his process.

At one point I briefly introduced myself and explained the difficulties I have been having dealing with the loss of my family over their lack of respect for me, and my recent decision to move to rural southern Colorado.

The group of five individuals were all over 70 and mostly Christian, so I figured I would get a new perspective on my dilemma. What I received instead was what I would term a Christian helping frenzy.

Having been at the other end of helping others for most of my life, being the target of others attempting to help me was a true learning experience. It is always clear to me when someone is trying to help me for the purpose of making themselves feel better.   It feels somehow like they are talking down to me, a kind of “I know and you don’t approach” to problem solving.

On the other hand, one man who introduced himself as a pastor, had a more subtle and loving approach. He helped me the most without needing to talk down to me. His intent was to show me how to love those who don’t know how to love you unconditionally. I appreciated his effort greatly.

Laura Lee Carter, MA Counseling Psychology, the writer behind the popular online blog How to Believe in Love Again, has been helping others turn midlife difficulties into opportunities for personal change since 2007. Besides working as a psychotherapist, Laura Lee has authored a number of books and e-books on midlife transformation.  Don’t miss her new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife. Follow her on Twitter: @midlifequeen.