Address Label Season

By Sally Franz

It seems that spring is “Address Label” season. You know, the free sheets of personalized address peel and stick labels. Right now I’m looking across my desk at the box I have shoved all the different labels into. They all have a small square of a picture on the left-hand side. But I am guessing if you have a permanent address you know exactly what I am talking about. And they are relentless.

The Humane Society has puppy and kitty faces. St. Jude sent adorable kids’ drawings. The National Wildlife Federation has polar bears, otters, and hummingbirds. PETA has dogs, cats, and bunnies. Nature Conservancy features foxes, bobcats, and owls. American Heart Fund sent roses and bluebirds because, well, showing a healthy aorta wouldn’t be as pretty. And Arbor Day Foundation sent acorns and leaves. I also received address stickers from The Environmental Defense Fund, AAA Life Insurance Company, ASPCA, Audubon, DAV, and March of Dimes. (Remember when a dime was worth something?)

And those are just the ones who got my address correctly. Never mind the refrigerator magnets and of course the entire year calendars printed on a 2X3 card in font size smaller than medicine bottles. I cannot even read the calendar with my reading glasses on. Some of the groups send old fashioned stickers with pretty pictures of animal and flowers. I send those to the grandchildren.

So here is the lifelong dilemma: What is the correct response to getting “free” gifts. When I was a young mother, I felt obliged to send a donation. After all, I did use the labels. But of course once you are a live body responding they start sharing your name with others. My next approach was to throw out the envelope as junk mail. But then my conscience said to me I was wasting paper. Using the stickers at least recycled the product even if I was heartless and did not send money to save the Western Banana Slug.

Now I have another conundrum. What to do with the labels. Seriously, who writes letters anymore? Even if I take the one bill a month that I still pay with a check and the one time a year for taxes and add eight envelopes for birthday cards and now the four sympathy cards (a group that will be growing as I age), that still does not use up a single 48 label sheet per organization. I have an enormous backlog.

At first I was putting address labels inside all my books so that if I loaned out a book the borrower would know where to return it. But then I bought a Kindle and read books online. Then I thought about sticking the labels on the bottom of pans for when I take dishes to a pot luck, but then I decided it was better to put the food in containers from store bought food to recycle those containers.

The bottom line is that trying to save trees, recycle used items, and be a good global citizen is complicated. And those free gifts come with a myriad of problems. These charities must be making money at the address label gig, but I am thinking they may want to rethink a high tech way to drive that business. Maybe create individualized gifs, memes or emojis for a donation. Meanwhile, I can’t seem to throw the stickers out and the box sits on my desk shaming me. Only one thing to do. Move the box.

Sally Franz and her third husband live on the Olympic Peninsula. She has two daughters, a stepson, and three grandchildren. Sally is the author of several humor books including Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey and The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Menopause. She hosts a local radio humor segment, “Baby Boomer Humor with Sassy Sally”.

Image courtesy of the Humane Society where you can get free return address labels if you want to be on the list!