Aging Parents and Adult Children: When A Health Crisis Changes Everything

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Fall housekeeping in the upper Midwest doesn’t just mean cleaning out the gutters, raking leaves and getting ready for winter. For some reason, when the weather starts cool, I always feel the need to also clean up my digital life as well.

Organizing bookmarks was on my agenda yesterday. Wading through the hundreds of sites I’d marked for later reference, I came across a March 2012 USA Today story, “Caring for Elderly Parents Catches Many Unprepared” by Christine Dugas. While it was published more than two years ago, the topic still resonates.

In a nutshell, the story focuses on a San Francisco family and what happens when an older parent is suddenly rendered incapacitated. Julie Baldocchi was faced with this situation when her then 83-year-old mother had a stroke. Luckily, Baldocchi lived just a mile away, and not across country, but she still found the situation overwhelming.

In addition to holding down a job and having her own family, Baldocchi juggled caring for her mother, handling doctor visits and navigating the world of private caregiving when it became apparent her mother needed long-term care in the home.

As noted in the USA Today story: According to a 2009 study conducted by AARP, there are more than 42 million Americans who provide daily caregiving duties for an adult family member. An additional 61 million Americans provide some care, but not on a daily basis.

Tasks might be as straightforward as helping with light housekeeping, paying bills or grocery shopping. However, as the person ages, duties may increase dramatically. When the aging adult has medical issues — such as illness, accident or memory issues — the situation can reach a crisis point.

From my own experience, I remember when my mother fell and fractured her pelvis. My sister and I — both living thousands of miles away — had to rearrange our lives and spring into action. We look back now and realize how stressful this situation was and how we floundered to make smart decisions.

The USA Today story gives a number of good tips. First, make sure you have completed necessary legal paperwork while your aging relative is still in good health. An advance care directive is critical. It should include 1) A health care proxy indicating who can make decisions regarding medical treatment 2) A durable power of attorney, designating someone the legal authority to make financial decisions 3) A living will that clearly outlines instructions for end-of-life care.

Stating your wishes in a legal document is the right thing to do. Otherwise, children and other relatives will be making quick decisions by guesswork — and that can create tension between those making the decisions.

Also, discuss how the family members will care for the aging person as the situation becomes more complicated. Most people will opt to stay in their own home, so if that is the plan then people will need to step up to provide care. If a care facility is a better option, then have conversations about how to pay for it.

For more information and details, click on the link and read the full story: http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/money/perfi/basics/story/2012-03-25/caring-for-an-elderly-parent-financially/53775004/1. It may help you take some steps to get prepared.

Nancy Wurtzel, a frequent blogger for Third Age, is the editor of www.datingdementia.com.