Do Not Envy Me!

By

Raise your hand if you like talking to computer techies. Keep it raised if you like your techie to speak with a thick accent. Keep it raised if you like to be passed back and forth from department to department when no one knows how to help you. Yeah, me neither.

I do not buy computers every year. I do not buy them every other year. I am more of a decade kind of gal. I have root canal, colonoscopies, and mammograms more frequently than I buy computers. I like to divvy up my pain loads. So with great effort and trepidation I researched and decided to buy a laptop, the HP ENVY to be precise.

When my spiffy new laptop arrived from China I used the “free” HP telephone set-up service. That went well, except the techie sold me a two-year service which he said was a Software-Help-Center package, but which turned out to be a hardware insurance policy that I do not need.

THEN DISASTER STRUCK!

Five days after I had my HP ENVY the home page graphics went all rogue and corrupted. The icons were elongated width wise and the programs I wanted to use such as Word and Photoshop were distorted and I could not scroll past the second half of the page to reach the bottom. No one at the Hardware Help Desk knew why the graphics were suddenly distorted. They suggested that I restore my computer to FACTORY SETTINGS. Which I did. Of course all the original set up was lost.

I called HP and a hardware techie tried to walk me through the process of simply getting Facebook and Gmail icons back on my desktop so I can work quickly. The FB icon popped right on, but not so the Gmail icon. After two hours, the techie said I should call back in 24 hours. Obedient as ever, (okay this time) I called back the next day and after dealing with three people in the Hardware Help Center, I was passed to the Software Help Center. They informed me that I was entitled to ONE, UNA, SINGLE free set up session that I had already had. But, if I wanted more help I could buy a service subscription at $14 a month. Seriously? Did you just offer me this same NON-SERVICE for an annual fee? That's like someone getting food poisoning and the café offers the customer a free meal to make up for it.

Attention bigwigs at HP headquarters: I DID NOT CORRUPT the desktop. Your computer went wonky and now I need about five minutes of RE-SET-UP time to get the %$#^ Gmail icon on my desktop. Is that asking so much? Apparently, yes.

The insult to injury (losing three days of work, gaining five pounds of stress eating, and I think I have a low immune cold coming on) is when I  talked to a supervisor. Alas, NO ONE at the Software Help Center seemed authorized to override the One-Free-Set-Up-Per-Life-Guidelines. It made no difference that the set up I received was erased as a suggestion of their Hardware Help Center. Why? Wait for it…the Software Help Center supervisor said, "Well, Miss Sally, we are two different companies, so we cannot help it that those people told you to restore your computer to factory settings.”

Dear befuddled and identity confused HP, I DO NOT hold your employees accountable, they clearly are not paid enough to think outside the box, especially if it involves a cost to HP. (Picture if you will the opening scenes of "The Incredibles" where the insurance company strives to never pay out.)

But just to prove I am not all sour grapes, here are a few helpful pointers for the makers of the HP ENVY, whoever you are.

1. Please tell all your HELP CENTERS to "ACT AS IF" they are one company under HP.

2. Tell your techie reps to NEVER EVER say, "No problem" when clearly it is a problem. With help like yours, you could run a nice euthanasia center on the side.

In closing, here is what I would love: An Apology, put the %$#@&  Gmail icon on my desktop, and while you are at it throw in a free HELP CENTER subscription for a year…just in case I have another four days to talk to eight more people from other countries.

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of "Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey," and "The Baby Boomer's Guide to Menopause."