Fixer Upper

By Sally Franz

Do not watch HGTV. It is addictive. Before you know it you think you too can punch out a wall effortlessly or lay down tile in a gymnasium-sized family room in 10 minutes. This isn’t a reality network, it is the Sci-Fi channel in disguise.

I know because “My name is Sally and I am Fixer-Upper addict.” But there is no self-help group for me. Instead there is non-stop flood of TV fun couples tearing out kitchen and demo-ing bathrooms. And I swear if I hear “just add crown molding” one more time I am going to scream. And where do they get all these disgruntled negative people with an extra $300K to “reno” these old dumps? I can just see the casting calls now. “You over there, stop smiling and don’t be so dang positive.” “No, no, you can’t sue them just for running 50K over budget, you pout and then write the check.”

You know who we are. Go to Home Depot and we will be roaming the aisles with paint chip samples and hardware brochures bulging out of our pockets. And don’t get me started on windows or carpets.

Instead of putting my money somewhere where it does better than the bank, say under my mattress, I have decided to buy a fixer-upper and rent it until I fully retire, which may be never. And even with a house that has “good bones” (which may be a very bad omen since the cellar has a dirt floor) there is stuff to fix. Lots of things to fix. My list is now up to 65 things to fix, half of which is about bringing things up to code. Think about that.

If you are thinking about selling the old family homestead after 30 years, when was the last time you meandered down to the County Courthouse and dragged out the code book just to see where you could waste some more money? The codes are so convoluted that you have to pay experts just to find, interpret and build something to code. The truth is the only time any sane person dabbles in the Enigma building code system is if they wanted to do some renovations along those 30 years.

And believe me windows aren’t the only thing that turned out to be a double “pain”. Since your first house…knob and tubing electrical went to fuses, which went to breaker boxes. Stairs can’t be as steep as before, banisters need to be taller with less space between balusters and forget radiators, now even baseboard heating is simply not acceptable.

And even if you are all set to tackle this, it is going to cost you more than those shows say. I mean they must be paying their workers two dollars and hour less than Walmart. How do you destroy and rebuild a brand new kitchen and a bathroom (with tile work) for 15K and in four weeks? Where do you get the building materials below cost–the city dump?

And the biggest question of all . . . does the cost of renovation include the surgery on the shoulder you pulled out of whack, the three months of physical therapy and the stress that if you rent it out you may be doing all those renovations again, very soon?