Going Bananas

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There it was on Facebook, a video I HAD to watch, or so they said. “You have to watch this video. You have been peeling bananas wrong your whole life!”

I actually had seen this before and it was explained to me that if you watch a monkey eat a banana (and apparently the author had been smashed on umbrella drinks for a while and was gazing at monkeys all day) you will see that a monkey opens a banana from the bottom, not the top where the stem is. AND the reason why this is the only CORRECT way to open a banana…wait for it…is that you will get no annoying banana “strings” to deal with. Hey, I open corn on the non-stem end to husk it and I gotta lot of strings to complain about there. Yet, always willing to learn a new thing, I had to try it and FYI there were still some pesky banana strings to deal with. (Well chalk that whole day up as RUINED).

Perhaps the reason a monkey opens a banana from the bottom is, um, I don’t know, maybe because she/he can’t get the banana free from the bunch. Yes they have opposable thumbs of sorts, but not good enough to swing a machete. Believe me, if they could they would take out the entire banana supply for the world and then they would kill us, but just for fun. (Ever see the video with the ape with a live machine gun? Just saying, like that.)

But back to Facebook letting me know there are hard and fast rules for everything and I have had it wrong for over 6 decades. Pssssst!!! That is me giving FB the raspberry/tongue spitting motorboat noise.

Every time I open up my media, I learn that hundreds of housewives in MY HOME TOWN know how to burn belly fat with one household item, or make $15K a month at home, or drive their men crazy. First of all, this is a little known, creepy fact. All those housewives in Tarboro, North Carolina where I used to live are following me. Those same women have moved with me from North Carolina to Portland, Oregon and now to Sequim, Washington. What are the chances? But I don’t need them. I already know how to do those things.

One Household item to lose belly fat? A padlock on your snack drawer

Make $15K at home? Be a hooker, a broker, or a run for office

How to drive your man crazy? Whine, complain, or nag. Or if you want him to be crazy about you in the bedroom? Drop your drawers, but just be sure you are the only woman in the room.

Oh, and here’s something Facebook advertisers need to know. Women over 60 are NOT going peel bananas a new way, and are not going to be shamed into thinking there is a RULE BOOK in the sky that matters. We are the generation that just kicked the RULE BOOK in the teeth and told the world how it was going to shake down. I don’t see that changing. Now you will excuse me while I go eat a banana stem side first!

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of "Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey,"and "The Baby Boomer's Guide to Menopause."