Happiness is the Result of Good Boundaries

By Nancy Anderson

Good boundaries are like locked doors that protect you from intruders. When and why you open your doors is up to you, so you feel safe and happy. If you have poor boundaries, people can barge into your space at any time, causing you to feel anxious and angry.

Anxiety and anger are signals that warn you when someone has crossed your boundaries, what you believe is good, true, and worthwhile. The healthy reaction is to acknowledge the anxiety and anger, and then do or say something so that the transgression does not happen again. But if you believe you are not supposed to get anxious or angry, or you are ambivalent about what is right and wrong, you push anxiety and anger into the subconscious, where they turn into resentment or chronic physical pain.

If you are like many people, you grew up in a family that had blurred boundaries. Not knowing what was appropriate behavior led you to base choices on how others react, rather than on what you know to be right. When you tried to set limits, the pushback was so strong you gave in to the pressure and went along to get along. Today, the fear that people will get angry causes you to change your choices to make others happy, and then you are unhappy.

Courage

It takes courage to set new boundaries. First, you have to admit what you feel. Then, you have to face the fear that others will deny your perceptions. This is what makes change so difficult: You want the people who are out of line to agree with you. When they disagree, you doubt yourself. Paradoxically, happiness is reserved for those who can live without the need for agreement.

Living without the need for agreement does not mean you think you are always right. On the contrary, you welcome honest feedback. You are also aware that not everyone has your best interests at heart. By changing, you are announcing to these people that what you used to do is wrong, and that you expect them to change. If they cannot admit you are right, they will get defensive and use guilt or cold silence to undermine your resolve.

Stand Firm

Once you set new boundaries in relationships you will have to stand firm until you are sure you made the right choice. Certainty may take longer than you expect, but the ability to tolerate what Carl Jung called “the hell of not knowing” will pay handsome dividends in personal and professional growth, as was the case for my client, Jeanette.

Jeanette had a long history of putting up with thoughtless behavior because she thought this was the way to get love and approval, a holdover from a childhood bereft of affection and support. Changing this illogical belief took extraordinary alertness.

“Every day I watch to see how I feel about what people say and do,” Jeanette said to me. “I don’t ignore my feelings anymore. If they tell me someone is in the wrong, I listen. I don’t blame myself, make excuses for them, or seethe in wounded silence the way I used to do. Instead, I speak up.“

Confront Others

Jeanette’s ability to confront others with their rude or thoughtless behavior did not happen overnight. She was shaking when she told her boss that her expectations were unrealistic. Even more frightening for Jeanette was telling her controlling mother that she did not want to talk with her every day, that once a week was better for Jeanette. In both cases, the new boundaries worked because Jeanette stood her ground. A friend got so defensive and angry when Jeanette said what she thought that they are no longer friends.

“At first I felt sad about not having her in my life, but the truth is, I don’t miss her at all,” Jeanette said, when she called to update me on her progress. “Without the constant drain on my energy caused by her bad choices, I feel happier than I’ve ever been.”

Like Jeanette, when you are torn between satisfying your needs and the needs of others, ask yourself the following questions:

*What do my feelings tell me to do in this situation?

*If I avoid the conflict, will I feel angry and resentful?

*If I say or do something, will I feel better about myself?

Emotional risks are the biggest risks you will ever take. But if you think things through before you take action, and wait patiently, time will prove you did what was right for all concerned.

Nancy Anderson is a career and life consultant based in the San Francisco Bay Area and the author of the best selling career guide, Work with Passion, How to Do What You Love For a Living, and Work with Passion in Midlife and Beyond, Reach Your Full Potential and Make the Money You Need. Her website is workwithpassion.com.