How Can I Give What I Never Had?

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Most of the insecurity and low self-esteem in the world is caused by rejection by a parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, or the loss of a parent or some other significant other early in life.  Early shame, rejection or abandonment may become internalized at an early age, making us feel worthless and unworthy of love. The greatest loss and the most difficult to work through is the death of a parent.

After we suffer early trauma, our fear of further loss may become so great, that we may avoid true closeness with others altogether. We may overcome some childhood setbacks, even go on to earn impressive graduate degrees and excel in our career goals. From the outside we may appear to be the picture of success, but inside we know we are not content with ourselves and our lives. Those first emotional wounds from early trauma remain seething inside unhealed and unhealthy. 

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. Raw, deep, painful experiences do not simply disappear from our memory. They hide deep inside and continue to undermine our ability to maintain intimate relationships. We can be attractive, intelligent, loving and kind, but vivid memories of betrayal and heartbreak continue to cause painful trust issues. Our wounds are there to protect us, but instead they can keep us in our own version of solitary confinement. We are not free to open up to others in healthy ways or develop a robust, meaningful personal life.

Looking from the outside, an individual may not appear to have abandonment or trust issues. They may have relationships and even marry, but deep inside they know they have never found the kind of self-compassion and self-respect they seek from themselves, and the understanding and safety they seek in relationships with others. Consequently they will continue to choose inappropriate partners, relationships that reinforce previous assumptions about how love is not available to them because they are fundamentally worthless and unlovable. In fact, most who have suffered rejection and abandonment feel unworthy of love. They see it as something others have special access to, but never them.

More commonly, they will spend at least half of their lives not realizing what’s missing, because their standards are so low. They may feel they only deserve the kind of love they’ve experienced in their upbringing or early years, defining love in that way, and never realizing what they are missing. Asking for more seems unrealistic or selfish. But as they work on their self-esteem and gain higher levels of self-respect, they finally see how low their standards really are.

How do we push through to attract higher levels of love and respect? 

The only way is to change ourselves from the inside out. By finding the necessary support through therapeutic relationships and then taking the time and emotional energy to access all the guilt, shame and doubt from our past, we can be reborn with renewed faith in following our hearts to a new and improved form of love.

To learn more about how you can do the necessary work to finally believe in and find love again, don’t miss my books! This blog is an excerpt from How To Believe In Love Again.

Laura Lee Carter, MA Counseling Psychology, the writer behind the popular online magazine Midlife Crisis Queen, has been helping others turn midlife difficulties into opportunities for personal change since 2007. Besides working as a psychotherapist, Laura Lee has authored a number of books and e-books on midlife transformation. Don’t miss her new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife. Follow her on Twitter: @midlifequeen