Independence and Loneliness

By Laura Lee Carter

Lately I have run into a few singles who make it perfectly clear fairly quickly why they remain single into their 50s and 60s. To put it bluntly, they have no intention of ever compromising on anything. They want their world to be their way. Period. This reminds me of myself twenty or thirty years ago. In fact my first five years of counseling were tangentially focused on this exact issue. Back then I was very focused on how different I was from everyone else. My independence was all that mattered to me. But with some excellent counseling I eventually discovered the pain behind my own independent spirit. I didn’t trust anyone. I tried once putting all of my eggs into that basket, and they all got crushed. I wasn’t trying that again, that’s for sure!

I can still remember the exact moment when it hit me square in the face, my future looked very lonely if I insisted on staying with that attitude. Did I really want to be alone forever? Was I willing to give up a little bit of my independence and my need for things to be my way all the time, in order to let other loving souls back into my life?

It wasn’t until my life really fell apart at age 49, divorced, job loss, etc. that I fully confronted my feelings about being alone forever. Midlife has a way of making you think about such things. I then made the decision that my highest priority was to find true love for once in this lifetime. Damn the torpedoes!   Full speed ahead!   In fact, I even started my own dating service…

As luck would have it, I met the love of my life tangentially through my dating service.

What you focus on DOES grow!

We have been together almost twelve years now, and I can honestly say I have never felt lonely in those twelve years. So glad I made the gigantic effort to stop judging everyone around me so harshly and accept the love and respect of one awesome man.

Laura Lee Carter, MA Counseling Psychology, the writer behind the popular online blog How to Believe in Love Again, has been helping others turn midlife difficulties into opportunities for personal change since 2007. Besides working as a psychotherapist, Laura Lee has authored a number of books and e-books on midlife transformation.  Don’t miss her new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife. Follow her on Twitter: @midlifequeen.