Mad at Madison Avenue

By Sally Franz

The following is the note I received from my medical center aka local office of a National Cartel. This begs the question, did they actually read this before they sent it out? Because I, for one, do not appreciate the cheery “complimentary close”. In fact, I am surprised there was no laughing/crying Emoji after the exclamation point (you know, the one that is The Word of the Year). My letter said (and you can’t make this up):

Dear Patient,

This letter is to inform you about the results of your recent biopsy/biopsies.
A copy of the pathology report is attached for your records.
The biopsied area(s) require additional treatment. You should have been already contacted by someone from our office. If not please call and leave a message for our surgical coordinator.

Have a great day!
W.T. Eff Medical Center

Yeah, I was having a great day until I read this. Now? Not so much. Now, I get to ponder if this news is just an easy-peasy procedure like scrapping flecked paint on “This Old House” or if the real problem is the house is slipping off its foundation and I need to update my will ASAP. Hint: Don’t be chummy and cozy and cute. How about you think before you speak/write.

I know what is going on here. I was in advertising once-upon-a-time. Their approach is to show younger people gobbling up pizza, gigging over text messages, or speeding away in a new car. Then their client’s ad can catch the younger market and hope I am delusional enough to think I still in that demographic, or worse yet they think I want to be in that demographic. Um, no and no again. I am sure there are computers who have a data basis explaining what Baby Boomers want in life. If not, you supply the donuts and I will gather a Focus Group of old farts who can set you straight.

And of course this tendency to market to the preferred demographic of young people is pervasive in the system. Super Sale ads on TV and the direct mailings to my house all want me to zoom, splash, smash, slash, crash and dash out and buy.

And this attitude of feigned friendliness also includes the scripts most of the customer service centers. Here’s a quick cheat sheet for success with a Baby Boomer. Do not call me “Miss Sally” I do not live down south (What did JR Ewing write your copy?) Do not all me “Mrs. Franz” that was my mother. And do not tell me you understand how frustrated I feel that my phone, tablet, laptop crashed 6 times this morning. No you do not know how I feel…unless you are a 64 old lady who is convinced that technology is a secret Satanic Cult endeavoring to take me to an early grave.

I bring this up because I think all this computer “boiler plate” advertising is not helping these companies. I “get it” that companies are sending mass bulk mailings and they are aiming for a percentage of returns. “HELLO?” I am not a percentage I am a person. I want my medical office/banker/oil change guys, especially one with less than 10 employees, to know me. How about some good old “relationship-marketing”? Or was that just one more catch phrase along with “team- building”, “horizontal management” and “client–based robust platforms”? And don’t get me started on the old school “let’s include all the stake-holders”. The only stakeholders around here are old ladies waiting to stab the Gen-X technoid-vampires in the heart.

For the record here is how you get Baby Boomers to part with their cash. You have to convince me your product will outlive me, or at least stay operational until I hit the nursing home. That is about 20 years. What product or service can do that? Not any cars on the market, not any computers, printers, or phones. Sporting equipment like jet skis, snow skis, or paddle boards: nope. I bet even granite counter tops will be out of vogue before too long as will your newly acquired MBA. In fact, I can think of only two things that boast a long life, first is a new roof that comes guaranteed for 20 years and second the barrier cloth you use in the garden to fight weeds. So until we get back to that very old school concept of “durable goods” with a friendly local sales rep I am outta here.