The Comparison Trap

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If you are like most women, you spend way too much time comparing yourselves to others, wishing you were young-er, smart-er, pretty-er, thin-er, creative-er, rich-er, and the list goes on and on. Instead of embracing your own unique gifts, you covet those of your friends or co-workers. Instead of loving who you are, you allow your shameless self-critic to sabotage your thoughts with “you’re not good enough,” and “you need to be more, do more, appear more and give more.”

I was at a women’s retreat recently and the subject of “authenticity” came up, as it so often does these days. We discussed the intense drive in us to be something different on the outside than we are on the inside as we let shame, guilt and low self-esteem force us to live behind a mask. We are afraid to just be good instead of striving for perfection for fear of being judged harshly by others. What results is a world filled with women who feel lonely, invisible and small, who believe they will never be enough until they have a bunch of “-ers” tied to their lives.

I wish the intense drive in us could be a commitment to living and leading with authenticity, vulnerability and transparency. Wouldn’t it be great to believe that you are already enough, without all those “-ers?” Wouldn’t it be a relief to acknowledge that we are all imperfect, and that striving for the impossible will be exhausting and unproductive? I imagine this refreshing attitude would foster deeper relationships, reduced stress and anxiety, and more contentment with life in general. We wouldn’t be caught up in the comparison wars, but instead would measure our success by seeing how much we have improved over time, not how we rate against the accomplishments of others. We would be gentle with ourselves, understanding that aging brings with it certain life changes, some better than others, and that every woman’s body will have wrinkles and sags over time.

My hope is that you will live a purpose-driven life, one that is aligned with your calling and brings you immense joy, fulfillment and peace every day. Living your purpose allows you to fully embrace who you are and who you were created to be in God’s plan, instead of worrying about what others are doing. Throwing out the “-ers” will free you to be open, honest and real, as you give others permission to do the same.

And let me be the first to say that I don’t have it all together! But I work hard, love intensely, appreciate my journey gratefully and keep my eyes on Jesus every day. Occasionally I slip back into the “er” mode, but I will be corrected by my best friend, my family or a clear message from God, reminding me that I am enough, nothing else required.

You are precious just as you are; no “-ers” needed!

Susan Tolles is a Certified Christian Life Purpose Coach and the founder of flourishover50.com. Visit Susan’s site to request her free ebook, “5 Steps to Conquer Self-Sabotage and Flourish In Life.”