The Female Brain: 5 Sexual Secrets Every Man Needs to Know About Women

By Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW

Most of the men and women I work with as a therapist are worn down by the “battle of the sexes.” Too many women and men are feeling stressed and depressed these days. They would both like to settle into a comfortable, loving, and sexually satisfying relationship. One of the big blocks for men is accepting female sexuality. “Why isn’t she more interested in sex?” “Why does she get so upset when I look at other women? I’m just “looking!” “Why isn’t she more interested in experimenting sexually?”

Male and female sexuality may have more to do with our brain chemistry and hormones than many would like to think. And despite the jokes and cartoons about the female brain, there is a lot we need to learn. Louann Brizendine is a neuropsychiatrist who is helping women (and men) understand the secrets of male and female sexuality. This is a good thing for everyone.
Here’s what Dr. Brizendine said in a recent interview with Dr. Oz.

The female brain is a “fabulous learning machine” that governs a woman’s life from birth to birthing and beyond, says Dr. Brizendine, author of The Female Brain.
Dr. Oz talked with Dr. Brizendine about what makes the female brain unique, as well as some of the fascinating changes that occur in the brain over the course of a woman’s life. Here are just a few of her recent findings:

Birth of the female brain
• Up until eight weeks, every brain is female. In males, a huge testosterone surge hits and kills cells off in the communication center, and grows more cells in the sex and aggression centers.
• In females, huge amounts of estrogen spur brain growth and enhance circuits and centers for observation, communication, gut feelings and caring.

The teen girl brain
• During puberty, a girl’s primary purpose (from a biological standpoint) is to become sexually desirable and attractive.
• Girls speak two to three times more words per day than boys do and they also talk faster. Connecting through talking activates the pleasure centers in a girl’s brain, Dr. Brizendine says

The mommy brain
• The brain shrinks during pregnancy—it does not lose cells but changes metabolism and restructures. Then in the final one to two weeks, the brain begins to increase in size again and construct maternal circuits. It does not return to its former size until about six months after giving birth. “We don’t know what it’s doing but we think it has something to do with redeveloping the mommy brain’s circuits, but also maybe even letting the fetus ‘snack’ on the mommy’s brain,” Dr. Brizendine says.
The mature female brain
• The “mommy brain” unplugs.
• Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs.
• More than 65 percent of divorces after the age of 50 are initiated by women. Dr. Brizendine attributes this to something called “post-menopausal zest.” “They want their turn, they want to go and do stuff that they’re passionate about and step out in a more independent way—they don’t want to be taking care of everybody else,” she says.

Sex and emotions
• Female sexual turn-on begins with a brain turn-off: Orgasms can only be triggered when the amygdala (the fear and anxiety center) is turned off. “It requires turning off the worrywart circuits in the female brain to have an orgasm,” Dr. Brizendine explains.

• For women, foreplay is everything that happens in the 24 hours before intercourse. “She needs to feel comfortable and loving towards her partner and everything in the relationship is alright, so you’re reducing that amygdala’s activation that something is dangerous or fearful,” Dr. Brizendine says.

• Women have evolved to cry four times more easily than men. “The silent treatment is not a way, women, to get his attention,” Dr. Brizendine says. “Crying is a way to get his attention that something is wrong and upsetting you.”

For guys that wonder why women aren’t more interested sexually, he has to learn some things about how her brain works. Remember, for millions of years any time a woman engaged in sex, was putting her life at risk. Pregnancy was dangerous and she could die, and often did die, in child birth.

Despite modern birth-control methods, a woman’s brain is still telling her to be careful. “Be sure you are safe and secure.” Women also have a tendency to ruminate more than men. They have a difficult time turning off the fear centers in the brain.

So, if you want a woman to be more playful and sexually provocative, give her the cuddling, care, and emotional connection she needs to feel safe.
In our modern world where the daily news brings some new fear into our lives, it’s important to turn off the boob tube and find time to relax and connect. I’ve found that walks in the woods can be connecting and healing for men and women.

What have you found to be effective ways to connect and share love and intimacy?

Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW, is the Founder and Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live well throughout their lives. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Diamond’s new book Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well