The Love Code: 3 Things You Must Know for a Lifetime of Joy, Intimacy, and Great Sex

By Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a joyful, intimate, sexy, relationship that lasts forever. But we sure seem to have a difficult time making relationships work. According to relationship expert John Gottman, the divorce rate is between 43 percent and 67 percent depending on the study. That’s not very encouraging.

My wife, Carlin, and I have been married for 33 years. It is the third marriage for both of us. Like all couples we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve stayed together. We’re more in love now than we’ve ever been. We know from experience what undermines relationships and causes them to come apart and we’ve also learned what works to keep love alive and well.

I’ll warn you now. What I’m going to tell you is very simple, so simple you may tend to ignore it. Though the information is simple, it’s based on more than 40 years’ experience helping couples. If you put the “love code” into practice, your relationship will sing with joy.

The Three “One Things”

In the original City Slickers movie with Billy Crystal, Curly played by Jack Palance, was a tough, no-nonsense, old cowboy who rarely spoke. But underneath that rough exterior, Billy Crystal found a man of wisdom who had learned a lot about life and how it worked. He didn’t need a lot of words to explain it. “The secret of life,” said Curly, “is one thing.” Billy and his friends waited to hear what would come next. And, of course, were disappointed when he said, “It’s the one thing you’ll have to find for yourself.”

Life really can be simple.  Of course in our everything-is-for-sale culture, simple rarely makes as much money as complicated. Eating healthy food is simple. Greens, beans, onions, mushrooms, berries, and seeds are very healthy and not very expensive. Food companies make a lot more money selling Chicken Nuggets, French Fries, hotdogs, soda, sugary cereals, and double cheesy pizzas.

We’ve all had moments in our lives when we’ve been wrestling with a problem or a decision and someone gives us just the right words and the fog lifts, the clouds part, and we are able to see the answer. Sometimes just one thing can make all the difference in the world. I’m going to give you three “one things” that are keys to having a wonderful relationship.

*One Thing #1: There is one thing on planet Earth that will insure a wonderful relationship.

*One Thing #2: There is one thing on planet Earth that will turn off One Thing #1.

*One Thing #3: There is one thing on planet Earth that will turn One Thing #1 back on.

One Thing #1: Love

One Thing #1 is simple, but we make it complicated.  ere are four wise quotes about One Thing #1:

“Love is a friendship set to music.” Joseph Campbell

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” Thich Nhat Hanh

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” James Baldwin

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.” Anaïs Nin

Spending a week, a month, or year letting the wisdom of these quotes sink in, would help us better understand the true nature of love.

One Thing #2:  Betrayal

We think of betrayal as the secret affair that ends a marriage. But often the affair is the final betrayal. Here are 10 betrayals that most people don’t recognize. John Gottman describes them in his book, What Makes Love Last:  How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal:

1) Conditional commitment

2) A nonsexual affair

3) Lying

4) Forming a coalition again the partner

5) Absenteeism or coldness

6) Withdrawal of sexual interest

7) Disrespect

8) Unfairness

9) Selfishness

10) Breaking promises

Being human we will betray and be betrayed, but if we understand how deadly betrayals can be, we can minimize them, heal them, and learn the third “one thing” that can turn love back on again.

One Thing # 3:  Trust

The one thing that turns love back on is a simple thing. It’s called “trust.” When we trust our lover, we know that they won’t betray us. Not only do I know that Carlin won’t have an affair, but I know she won’t lie to me, that she respects me, that she’ll carry her own weight in our relationship, and will keep her promises.  I know she has my back and will be there for me when I’m scared, feeling down, or am worried and confused.

In describing the importance of trust, Gottman says, “I now know that there is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust.”

I just completed a new book, Stress Relief for Men:  How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. I offer men, and those who love them, guidance for reducing stress in their lives. We know that 80% to 90% of all illness is stress-related. Everything from rheumatoid arthritis and Alzheimer’s to depression and chronic pain.

After more than 40 years of research on how to make great relationships that last forever, John Gottman concludes, “Trust is the greatest stress buster of all.” We’ve all been wounded by life and when we are wounded we are reluctant to trust again. We come to believe that people aren’t trust worthy, that it’s better to be safe than sorry. But I’ve learned the good news that we can be safe and also happy. We can learn to love, protect against betrayal, and build trust.

It really is that simple. Of course, simple isn’t easy. It takes work, but it’s worth it.

Jed Diamond, PhD, MCSW, is the Founder and Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live long and well. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Diamond’s book, MenAlive: Stop Killer Stress with Simple Energy Healing Tools, brings together the wisdom accumulated in 40 years helping more than 20,000 men, women, and children.