Don't Have A Partner? That Doesn't Mean No Sex

By Eve Marx

Just because you’re not coupled up doesn’t mean your days (or nights) of sexual activity are over. As any female health professional will tell you, orgasms are beneficial. They’re heart healthy, count as cardio, and they’re good for your mental health. Orgasms help keep our skin supple. They trigger the brain chemicals that make us feel good. And whether you’re between partners, have decided to give dating and romantic relationships a rest, or are wholly committed to flying solo, there’s still plenty of time and opportunity in your life for sexual pleasure and release.

Let’s start with addressing a popular misconception about the uncoupled, that misconception being that if you’re alone, you’re not having sex. But sex is so much more than intercourse. Orgasms aren’t contingent on human partners. Nobody, including any mammal, actually needs another body to get off. You may have gotten out of the habit of self-pleasure you taught yourself decades ago, but at the end of the day, who knows your body and its responses better than yourself?

“I look forward to having a lover so I can experience sex again,” is an oft-repeated phrase among those who have been celibate due to widowhood or divorce. “I’ve been alone a long time so it’s been awhile since I’ve had sex,” you hear women say when they talk to one another about matters below the belt. Not having a partner for many women means they’ve denied themselves sex, or they lack the impetus or imagination to engage in self-pleasure.

Here are some tips to get you in the groove:

Get in the mood. Now that you’ve decided you will masturbate, don’t expect it to be successful if you don’t clear the decks first. In other words, don’t try to pleasure yourself right after you got off the phone with your mom, or you just quarreled with your neighbor, or spoke with your accountant. Sure, if you’re stressed what you need most is something to help you calm down and chill out, and yes, orgasm will do that, but take some time to clear your head before you peel down your panties and jump into bed. This is where a soothing bath or shower and maybe a glass of wine comes in. Your problems will all be there later. For now, focus on your current erotic daydream.

Warm up with Kegels. Kegels, those internal squeezing exercises your doctor may have recommended or you read about in a magazine at the hairdresser, are not just good for strengthening your pelvic floor, the goal being avoidance of embarrassing leaks of pee when you sneeze. They’re good for keep your innermost lady parts nicely toned. If you’re not doing them already, get in the habit of doing Kegels in sets of ten repetitions, two or three times a day. Right before you start an erotic session, do a few Kegels to cue up your body you’re putting it to work.

You can use a vibrator if you want. There are loads of fun products and toys out there to explore, each and every one of them designed to help you assist your orgasmic abilities along. If you’ve never tried one before, you might want to focus on the ones that help you locate and stimulate the elusive G-spot. That’s something many women do better with when there’s no man around. (The Hitachi Magic Wand is the most popular tool to do the job.) But a less talked about reason why some women prefer a vibrator is that vibrators are so powerful and focused that they can do things the mortal human hand (or tongue) cannot. This is liberating for women who take a long time to climax, and/or who want to go for multiple orgasms. Human beings get bored and tired. Equipment does not. Plus sometimes it’s just easier to cut loose with a partner that’s battery-operated.

If you need a visual or literary aid, get them. There’s no shame in saying that your own imagination can be limited. Plus how many times can you pleasure yourself thinking about that same attractive dude you see every morning by the elevators? Spice up your game with new visuals or read an erotic novel.

No one said you had to stay on your back. While it’s true the seat of your pleasure is not so much your vagina as your clitoris, many women enjoy the sensation of penetration. That’s where dildos and magic wands come in. Try lying on your belly or your side, or use pillows to lift your hips. Use a removable shower attachment while you’re lathering up. Some women swear it’s the best way to start their morning.

Practice makes perfect. The more you have sex, including sex with yourself, the more you’ll want it. Once you awaken the body, it wants to keep the momentum going. The first time or two or three you the results may not be as mind blowing or awesome or earth shaking as you might have wished. You might not even come. But don’t give up. Keep on going. Add new elements such as setting the stage, lighting candles, or watching an erotic movie to keep it fresh and hot.